I am sitting on my coach, and tears are in my eyes. Suddenly, I felt so sad, maybe lonely? I missed my sister and my mom. I talked with them on a video call today. We laughed and talked. But I just miss their hug. I need to be touched, you know?
The other day, I read something very accurate on Twitter from a Persian girl living outside the country. The gist was: “Touch me! I have forgotten how to be touched after immigration. Here, I can only do handshakes. I am forgetting my body shape…”
When I read this, I noticed that recently I have been unconsciously touching my girl colleagues on the arms when I am joking with them and laughing. Maybe this is my body’s reaction. It is starving for human physical interaction.
I did some stuff today to feel better; I wrote, painted, worked with the Duolingo app to improve my German, and watched the “Elemental” animation movie. But the sadness is still here. It is definitely about hormones. I got my period this morning. For more than 20 years, I have had painful periods with horrible mood swings. Honestly? I was hopeful doctors in Germany would have a cure for that! But they don’t. It seems this is a rare kind of suffering that is shared among all women around the world 😐
I should tell you about my gynecologist in Germany, actually! Over the first session, he was so pushy about me speaking German: “Why you don’t speak German?! You are in Germany! You must speak German!”.
Then he started to scold me, I mean, seriously, no joking: “Why do you work? You are so nervous! You are supposed to have two kids by now! babies bring happiness!”
Guys, he was literally doing marketing for his job! I was just laughing, not because he was funny! There was a voice in my head, telling: “Ah poor girl! You have come so far to feel women’s freedom, and now see what your gynecologist is telling you! This is a huge joke!”
He did this all the time, actually. Why did I not change him? Well, tests show that I have a risky issue, and I need treatment as soon as possible. I was not into starting from scratch and searching for a new doctor. It is a headache in Germany. So, every time I go there, he says the same stuff: “You are so stressed out! Do you have a partner? You need more sex! And babies!” I am not messing with you, he literally says these words. Even when I told him about my painful periods, he recommended me a painkiller, and then he said: “…hmmm but better would be giving birth! It will decrease all issues!”
You know how cruel it is to say these things to someone in my situation? I mean, come on! You are a doctor, for God’s sake! Women doctor! You are supposed to be sane and have sympathy, man!
I am changing my doctor anyway. Good for me! yay! This new one first appointment is in January though, more than 4 months. So not that much Yay.
While I am writing now, I am also thinking about my available options to just end tonight in a good way. I still feel deep sadness. It is raining outside, and I can not hear a single noise. My old flat’s nice advantage was that it was located in a high rise building in the center of the city somehow, so you could hear the tram noise and watch people from the balcony when you had this feeling of being alone in the whole world. I have this dark side that when it is so quiet, I get a bit nervous, especially when hormones are having a party in my body. Hmm just between you and me… Almost always, the “Friends” TV series is playing in my flat, wherever I live, even back then in Iran. I can repeat most of its dialogues by heart. And! I still laugh at it! These six guys are my roommates. Love them.
I may read the book I am about to finish, to spend the night in peace. Yes, let’s do that.