I have decided to give up the Friends TV series that plays all the time in my flat as a background music, and replace it with any German-language media. I am not sure for how long the Friends has been my life’s background music. I have lived alone for more than 6 years, and I can not stand the long silence in my flat. Playing Friends gives me the impression of having other people around—people who are lovely and smart and whom you are not obligated to communicate with, but you can trust to be around all the time. We can not find this that easily in real people, right?!
But now, as I am writing this, a German documentary about human history from ZDF is playing. I can understand some words and sentences – yay! But the main point is to train my ears to make peace with the third language. So for now, I will not try to understand it.
I already miss the Friends guys, to be honest. However, this is better for me. And as you may know, when something is good for you, you probably don’t like it 100%.
It is December 30th. I went outside in the afternoon to buy some groceries. I spoke German with the lady in the bakery, stopping myself from switching to English. My mind was like, “Just go on, yes, you can do it! Act normal! Speak as if you have been speaking it for years! That’s my girl!”
It felt so good. Even before, I searched for how to say “happy new year” in German, and I used it when I was leaving the bakery. I am like a child who is excited about doing something new. Thinking about your age is a mood killer in this process, so you have to stop that and just let the kid inside do the job.
When I was walking towards the tram station, something exploded behind me, you know, as the normal New Year’s firework. People were totally fine with it, and teenagers got excited, but I shook for a second. I walked faster just to get home as soon as possible.
Around my flat, there is a beautiful green area. When I walk towards home, I enjoy this green route. But tonight, I had tears in my eyes as I suddenly got overwhelmed about the fact that I am from a land in which this kind of noise scares the shit out of you; and the fact that I am alone in the New Year, when all people are enjoying the time with their friends and families. I felt like a little planet flowing in the endless dark space.
But the good thing is, I don’t stay in a down mood for a long time anymore. When I was younger, I used to get stuck in the darkness. But when you become more conscious of what is happening, the reasons behind it, the feelings, and the solutions, you just allow yourself to feel the emotion, and then leave it behind. Because, THIS IS LIFE.
I can still hear the fireworks. It is not too much, but I know it will be tremendous tomorrow night. The German documentary is still playing. I will make a hot chocolate and enjoy myself in my cozy flat. I will not let the New Year’s blues ruin my peace. Yup! That’s my girl!
+ You know what? Now that I listen more carefully to the documentary, it only talks about Egypt, China, India, Greece and Rome, as ancient nations! Where is Middle East? My hometown itself is from 8000 years ago! My sister is reading history books recently and has mentioned surprisingly several times that there is no word from Persia in books! It seems that the writer is intentionally skipping from the whole area! Now I am thinking, what if this is really true!? I mean, WTF!